What first comes to mind when you hear or read the word ‘intelligence’?
If your first thought is that intelligence is what determines how well we understand a maths equation, remember the periodic table of elements or learn new languages with relative ease, you are probably not alone. In the western world especially, a lot of importance is placed on this kind of academic intelligence, but did you know that there are a number of kinds of intelligence including (but not limited to) Musical, Spatial, Interpersonal and Emotional and most of us are able to use more than one of these to help us navigate the world.
In this blog it is the emotional kind of intelligence that I would like to focus on. While I believe that all of the areas of intelligence are connected, it is emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as Intrapersonal Intelligence, that can really benefit our relationships, how we communicate with others and enable us to live an authentic and, as a result, a fulfilling life.
What does it mean to have emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to observe and understand our own emotions and authentically express them in our communications, while also being understanding of the emotions of others. And the good news is, as with most kinds of intelligence, it is something that can be developed and deepened, even if it’s not something that initially feels easy or natural.
Many of us are conditioned from a young age to believe that certain emotions are “bad” and should be suppressed. This will differ from person to person but common emotions that we are taught not to express are anger, sadness or desire (the latter you may be able to relate to if you were raised to believe you should always put the needs of others above your own). And when we come to believe that certain emotions are “bad” we become less able to speak authentically which, in turn, can lead to problematic patterns. For example, if we don’t feel able to express our desires in any given situation, we may be more inclined to people please, i.e. doing things we may not want to do just to “keep the peace” or develop a habit of manipulation in order to get our needs met. Or, for example, if we don’t feel able to express our anger and set appropriate boundaries we may allow others to invade our space and/or time.
The goal of emotional intelligence is to recognise that all our emotions are valid and to honour them in such a way that enables honest and authentic communication. In relationships this allows a mutually beneficial outcome to be explored, rather than one person having to sacrifice their own needs or be manipulative to get what they want. And when we can be authentic in this way (and the person we are communicating with can too), we often find that creativity is more likely to flow, allowing new perspectives to become clearer and, perhaps, an alternative conclusion that we wouldn’t have previously considered.
How can we develop our emotional intelligence?
As previously mentioned, emotional intelligence can be strengthened, and I like to think of it the same way I would a muscle, something that was evident when I worked with athletes. I noticed that they treated their minds in the same way they did their physical bodies. By this, I mean they trained their bodies to be strong, and also prioritised strengthening their ability to think in a certain way that meant they were more able to achieve their goals. By doing this they demonstrated an intelligence often referred to as “bodily kinaesthetic”, which is the ability to use the whole body to solve problems.
Being aware of the sensations in our body is the first step to developing emotional intelligence. We can then start noticing the physical sensations that arise in certain situations and recognise what feelings/emotions these sensations are trying to bring our attention to rather than how we think we should feel. For example, let’s say we are in a situation that makes us feel unsafe, rather than try to convince ourselves that everything is fine and pushing through so we don’t “cause a fuss”, we can take time to notice our heightened heart rate or the heavy feeling in our stomach which could be our body’s way of telling us that we are fearful of something. Once we can listen to what our body is telling us in this way, we can then honour it by expressing how we feel to find a solution that that feels safer. Of course, there are some situations when this kind of feeling arises, but we decide to push through it anyway. The important thing here is that we consciously make the decision to push through because we recognise that doing so will be beneficial to us, not because we think we must. Actors often feel nervous before going on stage, but they can feel those feelings and still go on stage because it is something they genuinely want to do, and they believe the end result will be worth it.
Emotional intelligence is not only about recognising how we feel in any given situation and being able to express that authentically, but also about being able to recognise when our reaction to something might be a conditioned response rather than a genuine one.
Many people find working with horses helps them develop emotional intelligence because, generally speaking, horses react to the situation or energy as it arises. Horses don’t prejudge or go into a situation believing they must behave in a certain way; they simply react to sensations they feel in their body at the time. (I should say here that horses who have experienced deep trauma or abuse may also have become conditioned in their responses and so we only offer these interactions with horses that have been allowed to live in such a way that they haven’t been conditioned to suppress their own emotions.)
If you would like to explore how you can develop your own emotional intelligence so you can express yourself authentically, I recommend you start with learning how to do a BodyScan. This will strengthen your ability to listen to your body’s sensations and be curious about what emotions may be attached to them. Learning to feel and understand what your emotions mean and how you can respond and alleviate them is a whole other subject to explore. If you are interested to know more and/or explore how horses can help you to deepen your emotional intelligence further I would love to have a chat with you.
