I want to start this blog with a question for you…
During the festive season, did you ever have moments when, despite feeling the usual excitement and joy that Christmas can bring, you also felt pangs of something else? Perhaps there were times when you were overcome with sadness for loved ones that you couldn’t be with, or even overwhelm and panic at the thought of everything that needs to be done. When you found yourself in these moments, were the “negative” emotions followed by a sense of shame because “I should be having a good time” or “I should be grateful for what I have”? If the answer is yes then you are not alone and I have experienced this too, very recently in fact!
Christmas is one of those times that can conjure up many emotions, but we often feel that we have to suppress the bad ones, plaster a smile on our faces and only acknowledge the joy. And this can happen in many other situations too! For example, I am currently in the process of moving house, which is a very positive thing for my partner and I, and as I keep being reminded by well-meaning friends, it’s very exciting. I am excited. However, I am also feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed and at times, sadness. Historically I would have pushed the vulnerability and overwhelm down and only acknowledged the excitement, because I had learned to believe that certain feelings were bad and certain feelings were good and that I should ignore the bad and embrace the good. If I did express feelings that were considered negative, they were often ignored or I was encouraged not to feel that way. Perhaps you can remember times when someone said to you “there’s nothing to be nervous about, you should be excited” or “how can you feel sad during such a special time, you should be grateful”.
Now, after years on this emotional wellbeing journey, I understand the importance of honouring ALL of my feelings, and how doing so helps to release the shame that I had become conditioned to feel when the so-called negative ones crept in during positive moments.
The truth is, two (or more) feelings can exist at the same time, and they are all worthy and useful to us, if we take the time to honour and reflect on them. A prime example of this is how a performer or athlete can feel excited and pumped up, at the same time as feeling nervous and vulnerable and all of these feelings provide the adrenalin needed for peak performance.
When people come to my workshops they often express that they feel sad as the workshop comes to the end, even though they also feel excited and inspired for how they can put what they have learnt into practise in their everyday life. And it’s important that they honour the sadness as much as the excitement, as it’s a testament to just how far they have come and the connections they have made with the horses and their fellow attendees in such a short amount of time. In fact, it’s normal to feel sad when something wonderful comes to an end, and yet I’m aware that many people that come to my workshops will have spent years thinking they have to suppress unwanted emotions.
What I’m trying to get across here is that you don’t have to choose which feelings you pay attention to! You may now be wondering if you have spent your whole life suppressing unwanted feelings and if so how can you relearn to honour them? Personally, I start with any feelings of shame that may come up and allow myself to be curious about where that comes from. Think back to times when you were told you shouldn’t feel a certain way and if you find writing things down helps to make sense of your feelings then this is a really good question to journal about. Then spend time reflecting on your other emotions and being curious on what might be causing them – you may find doing a BodyScan or meditation helps you to do this, but just sitting and reflecting can work just as well. It’s whatever feels right for you in the moment. When I sit with my own feelings around moving house I can feel sadness at the thought of not waking up to the beautiful view that I can currently see from my bed and then in the next moment I feel excited at the fact that I am moving to a
beautifully insulated home which will be warm and cosy and that I will have other wonderful perks (such as a shower that is reliably hot!!). In amongst these feelings, I also feel overwhelm at the thought of everything I still have to do! All of these feelings are valid no matter how many times I’m told that I “should” be excited.
The truth is, if we are suppressing unwanted feelings, we will also be suppressing the ones we do want to feel.
It’s also worth remembering that this is not a linear process. During any event you may find yourself going backwards and forwards between emotions. Festive occasions are a good example of how you can feel happiness at seeing certain loved ones in one moment and then find yourself feeling sadness at the thought of those that can’t be with you. You may then find yourself feeling excited at the idea of giving a specially chosen gift to someone while also feeling panicked because you are trying to make sure everything remains on
schedule with the meal you are preparing. All of these feelings may bounce around together and that’s ok. They are all valid and worthy of your attention.
If you find that overwhelm is something that keeps popping up for you this can be because you are feeling a number of emotions at the same time, and it might be useful to try to unravel the feelings so you can decide which ones you can work with in that moment to reduce the overwhelm. For example, if one of the feelings is sadness, consider what you might be leaving behind and allow yourself to acknowledge it which will to help relieve it. Or, if you feel very excited about something, how can you ground the feeling to help you feel calmer. In this situation, telling someone who can hold the space for you to express how you are feeling can be helpful.
Speaking to people about our feelings is a useful way to make sense of and release them but it’s important to be mindful about those who we choose to share with. When we learn to suppress emotions we risk becoming like a pressure cooker and are more likely to blurt to anyone and everyone. This can leave us feeling more frustration and shame if the person is not be able to support us in the way we need them to. Part of this journey is recognising who can hold the space for you to authentically express how you feel and, if required, help you to unpick the emotions in such a way that enables you to understand them better.
Until you know how it feels to have someone hold the space for all of your feelings, you don’t even know it is possible to connect with another person in this way.
Finally, keep in mind that happy situations can trigger unwanted feelings as well. I was recently on a Zoom call with my dog loving assistant and I held my Jack Russell Terrier, Alfie, up so she could see him. In that moment she expressed happiness at seeing Alfie but also a pang of sadness for her beloved Jack Russell that passed away a few years ago. She expressed that this happens every time she sees a Jack Russell. This is perfectly normal!
If you have become aware that you are prone to suppressing certain feelings and would like to explore how you can learn to authentically honour everything you feel then please do get in touch with me. My email address is rosie@rosiewithey.co.uk