Be honest with yourself – Congruence is key to emotional wellbeing


For years I’ve been noticing the impact of congruence, or the lack of it, in our everyday lives.

Ever since my own ‘light bulb’ moment, when I realised that I wasn’t being honest with myself, it became a fascination. I became more aware of my own incongruence e.g. when I was feeling sad, ill, tired or frustrated and yet pretended to the outside world that everything in my life was rosy!

What happens when, despite your best efforts to think positively, or feel good, you simply don’t?

If you are wondering what congruence means, in the Collins Dictionary it is defined as “when two things are similar or fit together well”. In my work I refer to congruence as when “how someone is being (or acting) on the outside is similar to how they are feeling on the inside”.

As I practised being honest about my feelings, I noticed the impact that it had on myself and others. As my life transformed and changed, I felt calmer and clearer about what I wanted in life. I was able to speak my truth, my relationships improved, I made authentic choices and I began to enjoy my life in a new way.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
Joseph Campbell

It also enhanced my ability to coach and support others. I encouraged my  clients to be more congruent in their relationships. I noticed that, when they were able to share how they were truly feeling, the shifts in their relationships with themselves impacted their relationship with others.

In today’s world there is a huge pressure on us, to be ok, to be happy and to have a positive outlook on life. After all, the beneficial impact of positive thinking on our wellbeing is now well documented. However, this is a part of the picture, but not the whole picture.

There’s a catch! What happens when, despite your best efforts to think positively, or feel good, you simply don’t?

Do you fake it till you make it? Well, yes go ahead if that works for you – if you can truly align your positive thoughts with positive feelings.

But that approach didn’t work for me and so I had to find another answer!

As I researched, read and studied many leading experts of personal development I came across the same underlying principles. Many of those who advocate transforming our lives by transforming our thought patterns, have written in the ‘small print’ that FIRST it’s essential to be honest with how we are truly FEELING!

This is what transformed my life – the ability to be honest with myself about how I am feeling. When I am able to feel, acknowledge and accept what is going on in the moment – then I am able to open up the space and the potential to move forward positively.

Neale Donald Walsh writes: “What you resist persists, what you look at disappears”

As soon as I allowed myself to FEEL my physical body sensations and acknowledge my emotions something changed. I became PRESENT and from this space a new response, perspective and opportunity became available. I then found a way to make choices in alignment with an expanded perspective.

Congruence – when we act in accordance with how we are truly feeling.

Over the past couple of months, I created a Masterclass – to share what I’ve learned, and to give tools and techniques to show how to practically be more congruent in body, emotion, mind and spirit in everyday life.

When you can be honest with yourself and become congruent the benefits are that you:

  • Become more calm, clear and confident
  • Communicate congruently – which can be defined as a communication pattern in which you send the same message on both verbal and non-verbal levels
  • Choose harmonious relationships
  • Make authentic choices and decisions
  • Act in alignment with your true desires
  • Live a life with passion and purpose

“As I have said, the first thing is to be honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not changed yourself…. Great peacemakes are all people of integrity, of honesty, but humility.”
Nelson Mandela

If everything in your world is going well on the outside and yet you are not feeling good on the inside – and you think you should be happy, should be grateful, should, should, should ………. take a few minutes to be honest with yourself and honour how you are truly feeling.

If you would like to find out more or sign up for my Masterclass “Congruence is key to emotional wellbeing” please click here.


2 Replies to “Be honest with yourself – Congruence is key to emotional wellbeing”

  1. Thank you for your blogs about congruence. I would like to ask your advice in a exemple. I am invited to a birthday party from the parents of my partner. I am very nervous to go, because of a few reasons. I told my partner about my feelings. That worked for me. Now i feel the need to decide wetter to go or not. When i really am aware of setting my boundaries and being congruence, than should i not go? Or am i disappointing probebly my partner and his parents?Would i be selfish not to go? Sometimes it is not an easy decision?

  2. Thank you for taking the time to comment Bettie. Firstly well done for having the courage to be honest with yourself and with your partner, I know that’s not easy! I’m glad that has helped you feel more relaxed. You can now make your decision whether to go to the party from that calmer perspective. I would now sit with the idea of going to the party and do a body scan and see what information comes up for you and then do a body scan with the idea of NOT going to the party and see what information comes to you and then make a decision based on a combinations of the ‘reasons’ which you mention and your ‘heart/body’ wisdom. Whichever path you choose may disappoint your partner and his parents but you are not in control of how they respond, you are only in control of how you act! Making your decision from a mindful state is the most important part. And then sometimes we may make a choice to stay at home and sometimes we may go to a party which do not really want to go to because we want to please our partner and their parents. I hope that’s helpful. Warm regards Rosie

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