Has anyone ever called you an ‘empath’? If you find that relating to others or sensing how someone might be feeling comes very naturally to you it may even be a title that you have given yourself. But what happens when this ability leaves you feeling drained, overwhelmed, or helpless?
The dictionary definition of Empathy is “the ability to imagine and understand the thoughts, perspective, and emotions of another person”. This is a natural human trait and most of us have the ability to be empathetic to some degree or another. However, as with any other trait, some people may have stronger empathic abilities than others and this is when, if emotional boundaries are not in place, it can feel like a weight on your shoulders, rather than a healthy sense of compassion towards other people or animals.
Healthy vs unhealthy empathy
The key to healthy empathy is finding harmony with this natural gift so we can use it to help others and form strong relationships, while avoiding feelings of overwhelm or fatigue that can form if empathy starts to feel like our sole identity. For example, if one of your friends is going through a hard time and you can support them by lending a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on without their problem consuming you after you have left them, this shows a healthy emotional boundary. You can use your empathy to help your friend without then becoming so worried about them that you can’t function in your own life. An unhealthy level of empathy on the other hand will likely leave you feeling helpless that you can’t do more for your friend and, as I described above, feel like a weight on your shoulders.
A healthy level of empathy allows us to sympathise with and support someone through their challenges while also recognising that everyone’s life experiences are different and so we can never truly understand what another is going through even if we can relate to their situation.
How might an unhealthy sense of empathy develop?
There are circumstances that may cause our natural empathetic traits to develop into something that threatens our emotional wellbeing. Many people that grow up in tense or highly emotional households may learn from a young age to pre-empt the mood of a family member and over time this habit gradually results in someone who is hyper vigilant whenever they enter a room where there are other people. They are likely to be highly tuned in to the general energy of others, to the point they struggle to relax or are overly concerned about how others in their company are feeling.
At times, intense empathy can be a projection of something that is going on in our own lives that we are yet to have worked through. If a person has such intense empathy that they are left feeling utterly helpless at the thought of not being able to help someone, it may be due to feelings of helplessness for their own life “stuff” that needs to be addressed. In short, we can only use our empathy for good if we are able to shift our own “stuff”, so it doesn’t project onto the people we are trying to support.
“You’re so compassionate and you seem to know exactly how others are feeling. You must be an empath.”
As I said previously some people might have stronger levels of empathy than others in the same way that some people are more creative or are able to problem solve quicker than others, and when this is the case it is human nature to want to put a label on it. So, if you often show strong empathetic abilities, you may have been given the title of ‘empath’. In theory this isn’t a bad thing but if it becomes your sole identity it can start to feel very heavy. If this happens it’s important to remember that as humans there are many aspects to us, we have many different qualities, regardless of how strong our natural abilities might be in one particular area. The truth is, any title, no matter how positive it’s generally considered to be, can become heavy if it starts to overshadow the other aspects of our being. A prime example of this is the title of ‘mother’ or ‘mum’. For many being a mum is a wonderful, rewarding thing and an important part of who they are, but when the title ‘mum’ feels like it is all consuming to the point we lose our identity beyond that role, it becomes exhausting and may lead to feelings of burnout.
The irony of having a title that is connected to our natural abilities is that the heavier it becomes, the less likely we are to be able to support others within that role. An ‘empath’ who has become overwhelmed by their empathy is no different.
How do we maintain healthy emotional boundaries?
The most effective and sustainable way of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is by working through our own past traumas or issues that may have resulted in our abilities becoming heightened. By doing this we can authentically recognise our natural traits and how they may have developed without enabling them to restrict us. Depending on the individual this may look like spending time with a counsellor to unpick certain events in their lives or working with a coach, such as myself, to strengthen their sense of self so that they can recognise when someone else has a problem without making it their own.
If you can relate to any of this blog and would like to feel better equipped to use your natural ability for empathy in a positive way then I would love to hear from you.
