I imagine you are thinking, what a strange title for a blog Rosie, so before I go any further let me address exactly what I mean. I often hear people suggesting that healing is like peeling back layers of an onion, but this has never felt right to me as the analogy implies that eventually you will peel your last layer and get to “the end”. In other words, you’ll be healed of whatever trauma or experience you are working through. Of course, this may be true, but as most of us soon start to recognise when we embark on any kind of inner healing work, there usually isn’t an end. Healing is a constant journey and sometimes old traumas that we thought we had dealt with can come back to us in ways we hadn’t previously considered. For this reason, I prefer to liken healing to the facets of a crystal, with each side showing us a different perspective of the trauma or past event that needs attention, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even physical, in that precise moment.
Of course it can feel frustrating, and some people may experience a sense of shame, when old pain is triggered again. I can think of several occasions where this has happened to me, and I can really empathise with anyone who feels stuck in a situation they thought was already dealt with. However, I think it can be reassuring to keep in mind that it’s completely reasonable to feel re-triggered by past events and that at times new experiences in the now can take us right back to hurt we thought was healed. This is all part of the process and it’s why I think the crystal analogy works so well because every time we come back to a past trauma we will see it from a slightly different angle, allowing us to continue the work.
In my work with my clients, I often hear “Oh, I thought I had dealt with that” and my answer to this is usually something along the lines of “we can’t change the things that have happened in our lives and so they never fully go away. As we move through one facet of it, another may come up” and I hope this helps to alleviate the shame that can be present in these moments. An example of this might be a childhood experience where a caregiver is dismissive of the child’s needs and inadvertently caused a reluctance to speak up for oneself. This then becomes a state of being that is re-awakened during different events in life. These may include, pitching a business idea and feeling scared to speak proudly about it or apprehension around asking for what you want in the workplace to be able to work to the best of your ability or in a personal relationship a fear of speaking up when you feel your needs are not being met. My point is that a variety of different situations can cause pain or discomfort for the inner child who learned to believe that their voice would be listened to.
Memories and the feelings they invoke are multi-faceted.
I think the important thing to remember when embarking on any personal development is that healing is not about completing levels until you get to the end. Instead, it’s about building on something that has come before and using each new experience to gain further perspectives on the things that have shaped you. This is what makes personal development so expansive, it allows you to gain new insights to past trauma. If you can approach moments where you feel stuck in a story you thought you had dealt with as if it’s a new facet of a crystal and can hold a new perspective you will ultimately gain new ways of understanding yourself and your needs.
Another important thing to remember is that when working on your own healing you may find yourself seeking different people to support you at different parts of the journey. For example, you may decide at the very beginning that your past trauma needs to be addressed by a therapist or counsellor who can help you express how you are feeling at that exact moment. Further down the line however even though you may need to work on this same thing you may choose to be supported by someone who can approach it from a different perspective to your previous counsellor and help you develop a different skill set to move through a different element of the event. The point being that a relationship with a particular therapist, coach or mentor might come to an end once a particular aspect of the problem feels lighter. This can make us feel vulnerable, especially if we had come to truly trust the person we were working with. However, the ending of such a relationship can also be vital to helping us independently integrate what we have learnt and then help us gain clarity on what the next steps are in the journey (which may or may not include working with a different kind of practitioner).
One of the most valuable things I have learnt in my own journey is that if a past event keeps coming up for methere is a reason and it’s most likely that there is another angle to explore that will be beneficial to my healing. You may find that you are able to deal with something for months or even years on your own, but part of the lesson is knowing when you might need to reach out for support to explore new insights to an old issue.
If you are at a point where you need support with an issue that keeps awakening and you think Equine Facilitated Learning or personal coaching might be something you would like to explore, please do get in touch with me.
