Are you a people pleaser? This is a label that is often given to people who go out of their way to help others, often say yes to things that they don’t really want to do or step in to make sure that everyone is looked after during difficult times even to the detriment of their own wellbeing.
I have noticed recently that a common message by health and wellbeing “influencers” across social media etc seems to imply that people pleasing is inherently a bad thing for our mental wellbeing, and that it’s a personality trait that we should be trying to “fix” for the sake of our personal boundaries. While I agree wholeheartedly that finding a balance is important, and I’ll come to that soon, the first thing I want to make clear in this blog is that I don’t consider people pleasing to be a bad thing. Some people are natural born nurturers and helping others feels good to them – this is a wonderful quality and not something that needs to be “fixed” at all. The only time it becomes a problem is if the weight of helping others starts to feel overwhelming and, as the title of this blogs mentions, starts to suppress your authentic self.
Before I continue, I want you to know that if you are a people pleaser, that it’s not necessarily something you need to change about yourself, providing the choices you make when helping others feel authentic to you and you are able to set a boundary when they don’t. But how do you know for sure if it feels authentic?
Imagine all your qualities and traits are on a seesaw. If people pleasing is in the middle area, nice and balanced, this is great – it shows that you care about others but you also value your own wellbeing and you are able to make decisions with both in mind. If we tip it down to one end of the seesaw and we are only pleasing ourselves, with little regard for others all of the time, then we could be deemed to be selfish and our relationships may suffer as a result. The opposite extreme to this is if our seesaw is tipped completely in the other direction because of our need to please others, and we put others before ourselves all of the time. This can be equally as detrimental as being selfish all of the time. When pleasing others is in the middle area of the seesaw and we can consider each individual situation and the options surrounding it before jumping straight in to help, that’s when we have balance and can act authentically.
As I have already said, people pleasing can be one of a person’s natural nurturing qualities, and many people seek professional work that enables them to utilise this part of themselves. However, there may be other reasons for this tendency.
For example, in childhood some people learn to believe that we must help others before ourselves or that we must keep helping others until the job is done, even if we want to stop, and this becomes a conditioned pattern. For others it might be the result of striving to be liked and feelings of shame at the thought of not being liked. It may also be something that results in praise from others – “you’re such a kind person, always putting others first” – which we become addicted to or start to seek. Regardless of the reasons behind the need to look after others, finding a balance is not only vital for our mental and physical wellbeing but it’s also how we can be sure that we are fully able to support others in the way that is most beneficial to them.
If people pleasing becomes such a conditioned pattern that we can’t turn it off it can lead to overwhelm which then impacts our health.
This can also lead to incongruence, agitation, resentment towards those we are “helping”, taking our anger or frustration out on other people, or even boredom or apathy (i.e helping because we don’t think we have a choice rather than because we genuinely want to). But when we have balance, we can see when it is healthy to step up to put others first and knowing when it is actually more important to put ourselves first.
Recently, I was walking my dog in the morning before work and I was feeling quite unwell and I considered calling in sick, but I decided not to. This may seem like I was putting others first at the detriment of my health, but made this decision with other factors in mind. I had some important work to complete that day and I had a relaxing few days to look forward to after that day at work which would give me time to rest and recover. I would be able to put myself first then. Because I was able to recognise this, I made a conscious decision to go into work despite feeling under the weather rather than taking a day off.
Another important point to raise here is that setting boundaries when helping or supporting others isn’t just vital for our own wellbeing but it’s also beneficial to them too. When we show others our boundaries, we demonstrate how it can be done authentically. People who work in a caring capacity benefit by learning learn to demonstrate this when they set clear boundaries with their clients or patients and so do the clients! For example, therapists need to stick to strict timings with their clients and will often need to bring the session to a close before the client feels they have said everything they wanted to. I remember this happening to me when I had my first counselling appointment! My therapist gently told me that I only had five minutes left and I thought to myself “goodness, I haven’t even got started telling you everything.” I walked out feeling slighted by her confused, with a lot of resistance because up to that point I had been used to overstepping people’s boundaries. However, as I had more counselling sessions, I learnt to become clear on how I wanted to use the time I had and what I wanted to talk about in the sessions. And, of course, it’s been one of the most useful things I’ve ever learned as I now have to have similar boundaries in the work with my own clients. I hope this helps them to set their own when it comes to helping others.
In a situation that isn’t professional, perhaps when you are helping a friend or family member with something they are struggling with, your own boundaries will still be useful to them. For example, supporting them to do something themselves rather than doing it all for them will help them to get what they need without going above and beyond and exhausting yourself. One way of doing this would be to teach them to do something or recommending someone who can teach them, rather than just doing that thing for them out of a sense of duty. This leads to perhaps the most important question that I recommend you ask yourself to help you understand whether your people pleasing is healthy….
Do I WANT to help or do I believe that I HAVE to help?
If you want to help, and have taken a moment to consciously evaluate where you are on the seesaw, go do it! Enjoying helping others and people pleasing to your detriment are different and providing you don’t find yourself feeling resentful or exhausted, then being one of life’s helpers or nurturers is a gift. However, if you find yourself believing that you are only helping out of a sense of duty and not putting yourself first, it is probably time that you started to introduce some balance by setting boundaries where you can so that your authentic self can be present in every decision you make.
As I have mentioned above, sometimes people pleasing is due to conditioned patterns of thinking that go right back to childhood, and you may find yourself needing support to find the balance. If you would like to explore this, please do feel free to reach out to me – rosie@rosiewithey.co.uk
